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A couple of weekends ago I was talking with someone who had recently discovered they were pregnant. She’d been feeling very nervous about the pregnancy and confessed that she had guilt over not being more excited about it.
All of the moms we were sitting with (including myself) proceeded to tell her how normal her feelings were, even her guilt. We tried to explain to her that all of her feelings were completely normal - that this was the start of so many feelings that come with being a mom.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about our conversation. I couldn’t stop thinking about guilt. It’s definitely a normal part of my motherhood journey.
I wrote last week about not being ready to have a second kid. But the part that I barely touched on is the fear of the guilt I’m bound to feel about not having enough time for my first born when a newborn eventually comes into the picture.
My first trimester with my daughter was rough. I had morning sickness that lasted all day and exhaustion on top of it. I lost 15 pounds by the time I reached the second trimester - I didn’t even look pregnant.
I’m terrified of not having enough energy to play with my daughter the second time around. I’m pre-guilty just thinking about the days that I won’t be able to take her outside because I’m just too nauseous to get off the couch. So much of my time these days is spent tending to her every need. That’s going to have to change when there’s a second kid in the mix. I’ll have to balance tending to two different needs, not to mention my husband’s and my own.
I also wrote earlier this year about my fears around going on a cruise out of the country. There was so much guilt and fear about leaving my daughter to go on the trip - even though I was leaving her with her grandparents (my mom and dad).
I had the best time on that cruise. I missed my daughter like crazy, of course. But I also felt like myself again. I saw so many incredible sights and ate delicious food and thought only of myself and my needs for 10 whole days. I needed that.
Yet I almost let the fear and guilt keep me from going. What a tragedy that would have been.
WhatToExpect.com describes mom guilt as “the feeling that you're not doing enough as a parent.”
Not doing enough.
I feel this constantly. A lot of moms do.
But why? I mean, we shouldn’t. We’re all just doing the best we can.
When my friend started sharing how guilty she felt before her baby was even born, I realized just how instinctive the guilt is.
The reason I started writing this newsletter last year was I realized there were so many parts of motherhood that you have to learn as you go. There’s no manual for being a good parent. Sure, sometimes instinct kicks in and I run with it. But sometimes my instinct is wrong. I didn’t know my instincts could be wrong!
I’m not sure what to do about mom guilt besides therapy. Let’s face it, we could all use a bit of therapy.
But I do want people to know they aren’t alone in feeling this way. Mom guilt is very real. Just like postpartum depression and anxiety. It just doesn’t have to be so normal.
To all the moms out there reading this: you’re doing a great job. I’m rooting for you.
Weekly Report
Something fun I’d like to try is adding in a weekly report feature for paid subscribers. This idea came from cathartic_library on Instagram.
Each week I will be sharing things that I’ve loved from the week before and will open the comments for all of you to do the same. My hope is that we can recommend a whole bunch of fun stuff to each other and then talk about them. These will be featured behind a paywall so make sure you subscribe to join the discussion!
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