Last week I posted this cry for help to my fellow writer moms:
So, true to my promise, I’m now ready to write about this experience. But not in the way that I thought I would.
Two comments on the above post really caught my eye and I wanted to share them here.
Both of these commenters referred to potty training as foundational. It’s foundational for my daughter. Also, it’s foundational for me as her mother.
It occurred to me at the start of potty training that this was the first skill that I would actively have to teach her. Everything up until now (eating, rolling over, crawling, walking, etc.) all happened on instinct. I was there to guide and encourage her, yes, but I never had to give a step by step instruction on what to do.
With potty training I had to teach her everything. Recognize the cues that you have to pee. Hold it until you can sit on the potty. Stay seated until you’re done eliminating. Pick your dress up. Pull your pants down.
The vigilance I’ve kept over my daughter this week was exhausting.
How sweet that these two women had the foresight show me that I was building skills of my own? This will most definitely not be the last time I will teach my daughter something step by step. Sometimes it will go much more smoothly, other times it will make potty training look like a picnic.
No matter what it looks like, though, I’ll be able to draw on the lessons I learned from this experience. So I thought I would write them down so I can remember them more clearly. Hopefully there’s something for others to learn in these lessons as well, whether you’re also in the throws of potty training or far beyond it.
#1: She might be ready even when I’m not.
When my husband told me it was time to start potty training our daughter I was so against it. I kept thinking, she’s not ready. We have too much going on in our lives. Doing this now will just make our lives harder.
But all of those were excuses. Now was the right time to start. She was more than ready. It was me that wasn’t ready.
When I really looked inward I realized that the issue was with me not being ready for her to be more independent. In the last 30 months my daughter has grown so much and learned to do so many things on her own. With each new thing she' learned, I mourned the loss of being needed in that way.
That’s not a good enough reason to delay potty training, but until I came to terms with how I was feeling, the harder it was to do what was necessary.
I had to be okay with not being ready, because she definitely was. I couldn’t let my needs come before hers.
#2: A temporary sacrifice of my comfort is 100% worth helping her grow.
We chose to implement the Oh Crap! Potty Training method which basically began with stripping our daughter naked and letting her roam around the house the first day. Our instructions were to watch her constantly and look for any signs she had to pee or poop. At the first sign (or the first dribble) we picked her up and placed her on the training potty.
You wouldn’t think that watching your toddler constantly would be so exhausting, but it is. Taking your eyes off of your toddler for even a moment to reply to a text message or make a sandwich could end in disaster. So not only was I always “on,” but I was also stressed that a disaster was imminent.
Those first few days of potty training were a whirlwind and a blur, but oh so worth it from the other side. The key was to make sure she wasn’t uncomfortable. As long as she was having fun, I could endure any discomfort in order to teach her this skill.
#3: Although this feels super hard now, it will get easier.
For those first few days of potty training we were waiting for the lessons to click for our daughter. Up until that point, she was barely aware of when she peed or pooped because it was hidden by a diaper. Not only did she have to get comfortable with a toilet, but she also needed to learn what her body was telling her and then act on the cues.
It wasn’t until day 4 that we saw any signs of recognition that she needed to pee. Still even more days until she would start going to the potty on her own.
But every day that passes the potty training gets a little easier. I don’t have to watch her nearly as much as I did those first few days. She’s still learning to tell me when she needs to go, but an occasional prompt is way easier than rushing to the potty.
It’s hard work learning (and teaching) a new skill. But that hard work does pay off in the end. I just have to keep going (and help her keep going, too).
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I sent our 20 month old off to daycare this week and felt so much of this in that, too. Thank you for writing! I’ll turn back to it when we’re ready to potty train!
I absolutely recognised myself in this esp the first point of it being us as parents who aren’t ready sometimes. I wrote something about it calling it the last hurdle of babyhood, and there is something about finishing nappies that is the first big step to independence. It’s such a weirdly heartbreaking time in that sense, but it’s an important milestone. You got this 💪🏼💪🏼