Being Content With Where I Am
And feeling proud of how far I've come!
A few days ago in a meeting with a potential new freelance client, my colleague said this, “Lindsay is a professional writer.” I think that was the first time I’d ever heard myself referred to in that way.
It actually felt really good to hear, especially since I struggle to call myself a writer these days. My main job title is Mommy - which I love, but cuts majorly into writing time. My part time freelance work has also been mostly customer service and admin work as of late. So I haven’t felt much like a “professional writer.”
Still, that comment stayed with me all day. As I went to bed that night, I couldn’t help but feel proud of the place I’m in right now.
My life looks pretty different from what I dreamed up at 16 years old. I told anyone who would listen that I was moving to New York City after college. I was going to get a tiny apartment in the city and write YA romance novels at a little desk in front of a window.
That was always the goal, and if I’m being honest, I hadn’t really given up on it. Even though my husband will never want to move there. Even though our life is here in Tennessee and our family lives in the south.
Not that I’ve made any moves towards that dream. No, not giving up has really looked like being jealous and resentful of friends of mine who currently or previously lived in the city. Their lives look so glamorous on social media and I can’t help but long for what they have. I’ve never said that out loud and anyone who knows me personally will probably be shocked to read this, but it’s true. It’s always felt like an ugly little secret.
But the truth is I’m not so sure I’d be happy living in New York. It’s a great place to go visit, but I doubt my life would have truly looked like the romanticized vision I had in my head.
Life would have been hard, just as hard or even harder than those first few years post grad. I wouldn’t have been able to get my MFA in Creative Writing or travel to Mexico and Chile as part of the program. And I wouldn’t have met my husband, who has been my rock and my comfort through the ups, downs, and every day battles of living with anxiety and OCD. We wouldn’t have our daughter, which breaks my heart even thinking about. I can’t imagine my life without her.
Being called a professional writer made me realize just how proud my 16 year old self would be of me now. I found the love I always longed for and started my chosen family. I work and write part time while taking care of a little girl who is the epitome of joy and love.
I still want to publish books - maybe a YA romance, maybe not - but I don’t have to do that from a tiny, cramped apartment in New York. I can do that from the comfort of my couch, fire blazing, listening to the sounds of my family doing life with me.
I love the saying “when you plan, God laughs” because that’s been such a a theme in my life. My need for control has lead me to hang onto things much longer than I ever needed to.
I think that complement from my colleague may have been a gentle nudge from Jesus, reminding me to be content with where I am right now. Not just in business or my living situation, but in everything. Will my family be blessed with another child some day? Will I ever finish a manuscript worth publishing? Will my daughter ever get over her picky eating?
I don’t know. God does. It’s such a struggle to let go and trust that he will make a way for what’s meant to be, but that’s what he’s asked of me.
Maybe God also knows when it’s time to look back and see how far we’ve come. When the future feels unsteady and blurry, the past is there to illuminate his constant faithfulness. He will never leave me nor forsake me. All I have to do is look back to know this to be true.
So I will continue to call myself a professional writer and trust that God will use this gift for good, no matter what that looks like. Someday I’ll look back on this time and know I’d be proud of my future self.
Discussion
Do your dreams look different today than they did when you were younger? Why/why not?
What nudges has God sent to you lately?
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Glad you haven't given up on your dream, just pivoted! I've heard that oftentimes our dreams don't come true in the way we've imagined, but in unexpected ways. I certainly hope this is true for you!
This is so relatable!